A bit lonely on New Year's

Today I was feeling grumpy all day. In the morning because my stomach hurt and I didn't seem to be well-nourished, and then later, just tired and all-around grumpy.

And then it hit me. I'm feeling lonely.

I have a great husband who is cooking one of my favorite dinners (stuffed shrimps), two amazing boys who give me spontaneous hugs even when I grump on them (if that's not grace, don't know what is!) and I'm feeling lonely.

So I called a good friend. Then I called another. Then I texted one. Then I left another message.

My friend Megan said it best "Every year, New Year's sneaks up on me." Christmas is full of anticipation and planning, and then New Year's arrives for me, with no plans in place.

I'm feeling better now. I connected with a couple of friends. Snuggled with my boy on the couch, and chatted with my husband. We'll be asleep before midnight most likely.

And next year? I'll figure out some ritual to end the year. Keiko suggested burning paper. Love it.

I've got lots to catch up my readers on this coming year - owl autopsy results, plans and dream manifestation.

Wherever I am tonight, it's okay to feel what I am feeling.

Receiving the Gift

A few days ago a sweet friend gave me a gift of a hand-baked loaf of sweet bread. Oh no, I thought inside. This isn't really for me. After all, I can't eat wheat. I haven't for years. Better to stop this and have her give it to someone who would enjoy eating it. And then I stopped my thoughts in their tracks. No. Receive the gift. Just receive it. Receive the spirit of love, receive the intent and the care. Just receive.

I have a lot of friends struggling right now with what to do around Christmas. They celebrate it - the presents, the anticipation of Santa, the tree - but feel a bit awkward about not really connecting with the Jesus part. They've confided in me that they are occasional church go-ers, or feel a bit hypocritical doing the Christmas thing without the baby Jesus.

I'm always surprised how people think that they've gotta believe before they step into a church. As if the faith comes first (it never does!) or that once you're inside the church doors everyone else is full of certainty (they aren't). Or even, that if you're pretty sure this isn't your thing, that there isn't some piece of goodness to behold.

I always think about my experiments with yoga like my experiments with faith. One class I could barely keep up as the teacher moved through countless poses. One style was way too hot. One teacher led a class so relaxing I kept falling asleep. But I didn't give up on yoga. In some cases, I knew I had to try a different style. And mostly I just needed to keep coming back. But in every case, I was a bit more flexible afterwards.

Christmas is that moment of grace. Yes, it's about Jesus. But even if you're not there yet (or ever) it's about light. And however you celebrate it, there's a gift of grace to receive. An unexpected connection with the divine that pursues us in spite of ourselves.

Today I was reminded of the magic that's afoot right now. I was hiking in the canyon with my brother-in-law and son, and we saw a red-tailed hawk sitting on a low bush just off the trail. It was only five feet away, but we could have easily passed it since it was so camouflaged. Ten minutes later we saw a coyote (which I haven't seen for months in the canyon) and then a second hawk, perched on a fence just steps from us.  The hike ended with a downpour (which we waited out in Safeway) and one of the most fantastic double rainbows I've ever seen.

Sometimes I feel like God whispers and I just have to stop and pay attention. Today I felt like God was singly as loudly as the first graders in the Winter Show.

Receive the gift.

Putting Others in a Box

My oldest son desperately wanted pink rain pants.

Hmm, I thought. I let him wear a pink dress-up skirt when he was three, but now he's in first grade. As much as he thinks he wants pink pants - he'll walk into school one day, someone will make fun of him, and he'll never wear the pants again. So I decided that I'd get him the black ones, and tell him the pink ones were out of stock.

Needless to say, my guilt started running amok.

And when the pants arrived, my 6-year-old demanded, where are my pink pants?

So we negotiated the return of the black pants and amazingly enough he waited patiently for the pink ones to arrive in the mail. I waited with a bit of guarded fear as he showed his friend that came over his pink pants, but I shouldn't have worried. He gets to have his own journey in these matters.

At the same time, I ordered ten pairs of new pants for my youngest son -- who seems to go through multiple costume changes each day, and has an affinity for shorts. So with winter upon us, boxes of 4T pants arrived each day in the mail. He tried them on, and they fell down to his knees. Alex is 4 1/2, but he doesn't wear size 4 pants.

Alex's size has always been a sensitive issue for me. At one point he was negative ten percentile in weight, and falling fast, though he ate just as much as anyone in the family. We changed his diet and he started growing rapidly, but lately he might be lagging again. I worry that I haven't been vigilent enough of those foods that disrupt and irriate his body, and mostly I just want him to thrive. And my beautiful, energetic son wears size 3 pants.

I know that I often put people in boxes, especially the ones I love. I try desperately to cram them into the space that I think they will be most comfortable, or the place I want them to be. Or I'll put a negative label on them - they are "messy" or can't pay attention.

I think I put God in a box sometimes too. "I'm not ready for Christmas yet, God - I need more time to get ready!" or people will put me in a box if they know I am a Christian.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my father's house there are many dwelling places." John 14: 1-2

God is small and big, pink and black, male and female. God is all of these things and more. And more than I could possibly understand most days, which depending on the day, makes me want to shout out in worship, or weep with the enormity of it all.  What boxes has God been put in by others in your life? What does opening God up for you look like?

An Attitude of Gratitude

I haven't written much this week, but I've still been trying to be deliberate about gratitude out in the world.

I sent 20 overdue thank you notes to the people and businesses who donated to Glenridge's auction (thank you donors!).

I sent some notes and emails to folks who have been key connectors for me - the people who have taken the time to introduce me to the people they know - and that's how I got my new job.

I sent some emails to people who I had been thinking about for years, grateful for the encouragement they've given me in my life, and in the way of God's work, they arrived at the right time, including one note after the death of her mother.

And in the midst of this, I felt stifled on this blog!

The burden of writing each night on gratefulness seemed too much - when my mind was racing with all the other things I wanted to write about. And so, I haven't written at all.

It was a good reminder that anytime anything good becomes too dogmatic - it can lose its pure inspiration and become something we just do to go through the motions.

"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." (Hosea 7:6)

That said, habits are good things. Waking up in the morning and saying a quick prayer. Passing a candle at dinner and sharing a moment of gratitude. And a new one I learned when Keiko forwarded me a podcast from The Accidental Creative: spending the last ten minutes of a workday circling back to thank people, and reconnect.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is an amazing, life-changing thing. And I've realized that one of my gifts is encouragement - I have been truly amazed this month at how powerful an influence my little words have made in the lives of others.

And so I will continue to be grateful. And in the midst of this I will begin to follow the inspiration within to write about those topics that come upon me in the moment, and reach out to people as they come upon my heart. For I desire steadfast love not sacrifice...

And one last gratitude --- for my car, so I could whisk my youngest to the ER tonight for three more stitches.

Grateful for Diane

In this month of gratitude, I am remembering a few people that have come along at the right time - to provide the encouragement and support I needed - including to shift me in a different direction.

Today I am thinking about "Teacher Diane" a City College teacher who taught a free infant/child development class at the local rec center. Each week she'd print out a helpful article that was great for dealing with sibling rivalry, or thinking big picture about the kind of parent I wanted to be. Mostly though she was just plain encouraging - in a time when I was sleep deprived, unsure of myself as a parent, and struggling to find the joy in the everyday life with two kids under three. Ultimately she led me to gain confidence in myself as a parent, and when the time came, encouraged us to explore co-op preschools - a journey that has changed the course of our family's trajectory - for the better.

Thank you Teacher Diane!

Who in your life has helped shape and encourage you? If they are still alive, can you call them or send them a note?

Grateful for Glenridge

Many of you know that my kids have gone to a co-op preschool. This means that the parents work shifts in the classroom - so on any given day at our school there will be two teachers and between three and five parents working. Then there's *lots* of out-of-school volunteer hours too - a family job (ours is treasurer - Jeff calls it his "other" business that he runs), auction solictations and event, and other tasks throughout the year.

It's a lot of work. And when I was first looking for preschools with Ben, and had a newborn in tow, I just didn't think I could handle it. I applied to Glenridge, but didn't pursue any other co-ops, and ended up for Ben's first year at a school with really committed teachers where I could just drop off and go.

Only it wasn't the right fit. And Ben would lash out with fists flying on his (then) baby brother every day when I would pick him up. It was only during spring break, when I realized I actually did like spending time with my little man, that I knew we needed to make a change.

Since then, Glenridge has been the nexus of our family life.  Through the school, we discovered the canyon. And found our new home. Found good friends and community. Found amazing teachers (and other parents) who teach us about our own parenting.

And more than anything, Glenridge has given us this brief window to pause, and treasure the wonder of being four years old in the beauty of a canyon.

Tonight, on our walk:
"This is socktown. This is where Jessie found a sock and it was hanging from that tree, and that's why we call it socktown!" - Alex

Grateful for God

This post was going to be about my new career.

Last week I found a job. A job with a partner who values my input and experience, and is willing and able to let me work 10-20 hours a week.

Today I passed my exam. I am now officially a "Certified Salesforce Administrator". After being out of the working world for five years, it's nice to have an independent assessment that I know my stuff.

So I'm grateful for both of those things. A lot!!!

And I prayed to pass the exam, and asked for God's help (and the help of prayers from my small group). And over many months I've prayed for my work life - both for discernment about what direction I should take - and encouragement when I thought the door of the "right choice" had been mysteriously closed. Two years ago, I thought I could only pray to God for world peace and cancer (when I thought about asking God for anything). Troubling God for the little things in my daily world felt wrong.

And now, I invite God into a relationship with the little things. And I find I am so much less fearful than before. Thank you God for being in relationship. For giving me the courage to be at peace in your world. And at the same time have the confidence and clarity to ask you for my heart's desires.


1 The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling... 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. 9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.

Grateful for Wildcare

It's taken me many days to recover from finding the dead great-horned owl. My small group knows that I had to talk about it again this week, and show the picture to those who weren't there on the eve of my discovery.

I don't know if "recover" is the right word after finding the owl. I've resumed my normal days, and their rythm. And I'm able to see the beauty in most things.

Yet I still don't know the full meaning of the owl. I've been dreaming about people and things dying, though I expect that's just my fear talking.

And in the midst of this I am grateful for Wildcare, an organization based in San Rafael.

I made many calls after I found the owl, deciding that I didn't want the body to be thrown into the trash - and needing to know the cause of death, even if it just were old age. And I realized without a doubt that the neighborhood would feel the same way about such a treasured member of the community.

I found a couple of good advocates, but most calls were dead ends - until I called Wildcare. They were the only organization within 90 miles who were willing to do a necropsy (that's the animal word for autopsy) on the owl. They have been doing research on the concentrations of rat poison and other toxins in the wild birds that come under their care, and I'm curious to see what they find in "our" owl.

We will need to wait another week or so (likely more?) for the results. Yet in the end, I was forever grateful for someone who was willing the accept this owl's body. Telling me, yes this life was important. Important enough to study in death.

Thank you Wildcare!

Grateful for our trusted Sitters

In November I embarked upon a gratitude project - planning to thank someone everyday, and ideally record my musings in this blog. The process has been good for me. I think I've been intentional about calling out the good in my life, but calling out the good in other people hasn't come as easy. There still have been days when gratitude has come at the end of a long day, and I collapse into bed without having expressed thanks to someone specific.

But I try not to beat myself up. Life is like that. And tonight I'm ignoring the dishes in the sink and feeling grateful.

I've tried to make a point of thanking our mini-army of childcare providers this week. We have two trusted sitters who come regularly at this point, giving me time to look for a job and build my experience in my new chosen field. And my kids (mainly my youngest, who spends the most time with them) are happy!

They are both extremely playful and get excited about daily marathon soccer and baseball and football sessions in the park. But mostly they are responsive to my kids. I don't worry so much when I'm gone anymore. And for that there's much to be grateful!

Grateful for Ben

Today we went to a Christmas fair (already!) and there was a petting zoo. Ben spent 15 minutes lightly petting the rabbits, with the softest touch imaginable from the boy who loves swords and Star Wars and ninja (and the fact that I've learned from your books that the plural of ninja is ninja!).

Ben you remind me that life has a duality - that spirit and fight reside together with softness. This is our essence, and when I see only one from someone, you've taught me to wait, and the other will appear if I look for it.

This week you desperately wanted me to order you pink rain pants. I ordered the black ones, assuming that once you wore them near your friends, you would change your mind. If you insist, I'll return them for the pink. Your unselfconcious days of softness are likely numbered.

Ben I am grateful for you - for the things you have taught me about myself - fierce love and a recognition that people can be many things at once. And mostly for enthusiasm to be with me when it comes - puzzles are cool.

Grateful for Alex

Today I am grateful for Alex (my youngest):

This week, every time I was cooking at the stove, you busted out the towel. Our neighbor told us that when her fire alarm goes off while cooking, she has waved a towel at the alarm to clear the smoke. You took it to heart. Now every time I have been cooking and you saw a hint of smoke (or steam) you busted out the towel and started waving it above your head - not neccessarily near the alarm, but the intention was clear.  I love you little man, and you meant in your most earnest four-year-old way to help me!

For snuggles in bed, for towel waving, for puddle-jumping and pony-riding and general earnestness - thank you Alex for the richness you bring to my life and my world. I love you little man!

What happens when God shows me death?

I found a dead owl yesterday. A beautiful great horned owl with its wings spread wide.

I hadn't planned to be running around the canyon. Alex got a last-minute drop-in spot at his preschool, and instead of going to the gym as planned I thought I'd just jog around the canyon near our house a bit. The beautiful wild space of nature in the heart of this thriving city.

And so it was, at 10:00 am in the morning, I saw this wild creature splayed out on the grass near the ball field.

 

I was devastated. I knew that this owl was one of the breeding pair that had been creating their nest in the big tree near the path.  Each spring I had watched the fuzzy heads of those baby owls and I would cry with pure joy.  Now there might be no more baby owls. Those of you who have been following along know that I talk about owls a lot in my posts - like On Fear and A Good Fear of the End of Thing.

I don't pretend to speak for God, but in my heart when I am listening, I've felt before that God has showed up in my life in the form of big birds - like when I wrote about The Grumpy Waiting Place.

So what happens when God shows me death?

God, why was I the one to find this bird, this majestic creature of yours that I cherish?

Tonight I am filled with pure grief. Sobbing, shaking grief. I finally went for a walk in the canyon, in the pitch darkness, hoping upon hope to see an owl. But mostly I just cried. In between the sobs that drowned out all other sound, I could hear an owl calling in the distance. Just one. Not the call and response I'd heard before of two owls calling to each other.

What are you trying to tell me God? Why me, now? I can still feel the heavy body of your owl in my arms.

In my deepest unspoken fear I imagine you are preparing me for the impending death of someone I love and I can bearly think the thoughts for fear they may come true. And mostly, I feel that even in death you have a plan. Too many unusual things lined up for me yesterday morning to be coincidence. Even as I trust that you meant for me to find the owl, I can not fathom my role in this sorrow.

Last night, in the company of my small group, I stumbled upon this Bible verse in Ecclesiastes 3, which mentions animals and death. It's right after the passage that I thought belonged only to the Beatles "For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die..."

¹⁸ I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. ¹⁹ Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath^[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. ²⁰ All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. ²¹ Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?” ²² So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

And I continue to grieve.

Grateful for Neighbors

It's Wednesday, or it was anyhow!, and so I always think of my neighbors.

Because Wednesday is trash day. And the first few weeks we moved into our new place, our neighbors noticed we forgot to pull out our cans, and they pulled them out for us. There's pretty much nothing more humbling and inspiring of gratitude than someone dealing with my trash.

There's a laundry list of other things that they've done for us (like check on us at the auspicious hour of 5:30 pm when our fire alarm was going off - dinnertime anyone?), and I couldn't begin to list them here.

And our neighbors at our old building were just as amazing. Fixing our mailbox, helping watch our kids, taking in packages for us. Conversation and lending slow cookers (for the fifth time this year).

There's a special relationship (and need) for neighbors. People who are there, in your place, who you can rely on to help when needed.

I love neighbors!

Grateful for my Small Group

I've been blogging a lot recently about my small group, and the book we're reading "The Me I Want to Be" by John Ortberg. I've been so blessed to have a place each week - a safe place, where we've been able to share about uncomfortable topics, our deep and personal struggles, and our questions about our faith.

We've also had the opportunity to encourage each other, and after each Thursday night I feel refreshed and renewed, and eager to meet the week's new challenges and joys.

A special thanks to Priscilla and Christina who've taken the time out of their lives to be a presence and force that blesses others.

Grateful for Energy (when it comes!)

Today my son has been home sick with a bad fever, and "sore mouth". The poor guy hasn't even learned how to say sore throat yet.

We had a pretty cozy day at home, playing some games - going outside when the medicine kicked in and he had energy, and finally taking a great nap on our fuzzy gray couch.

We are pretty healthy all in all, and though I expect this cold will hang on for a few more days (and perhaps infect other family members, knock on wood!) I am grateful for our health, and having the energy to do the things I want and must do.

I've been thinking a lot about energy lately. One of the other moms was wondering who made my son's fantastic costume at the Halloween parade (thanks grandma!) - and mused that it could only be a stay-at-home mom, because who has the time?

I think the grass is always greener when you are at home or working. When I'm home, I wish I could just meet a friend or coworker for coffee or lunch in the middle of the day. When I'm working, I wish I had the time to just throw a load of laundry in, or start dinner before it got too late.

Yet I think when someone asks, "Who has the time?" they really mean - I don't have the energy. I am overwhelmed with my commitments, my life, and I couldn't imagine adding one more thing.

Because when I am feeling good, when I have the energy - nothing seems impossible!  The next time I think to myself - "I don't have the time" - I'll reevaluate. If it's something I really want to do and am passionate about I bet I can get rid of some things and make it happen. But first I need to replenish my energy stores - because with energy, all things are possible (except in my case, a homemade Halloween costume - I'll leave that to Grandma!).

Grateful for my Church

I am so grateful today for a place where I can go to be inspired, and challenged. Here's a link to my church home in San Francisco - Cornerstone. I love this place!

Pastor Terry gave a moving message about the conversion of Saul of Tarsus - basically he was one of the biggest opponents of Christianity in its early days, and then through a encounter with Jesus, became one of the early church's most influential evangelists. This week Pastor Terry spoke about a man named Ananias who had a role to play in this story.  One point he underscored was that Ananias was open to the voice of God (though he protested the request!). 

It reminded me that if I walk through life looking for mean people, I will find them (they exist everywhere). And if I walk through life looking for the voice of God, I will also find it (it exists everywhere).  I wrote a blog post about this subject back in August - See What You Seek.

The service ended with a song I love by Matthew West - you can listen to it through this link: "Only Grace"

"There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace"

Grateful for People who Serve

On Saturday was my son Alex's last soccer game. All season long, it was parent volunteers who left work early for practice and spent precious weekend time making sure all of our kids had a good experience, and were learning the game in a supportive environment (thank you Coach Tim!).

I realized that on any given Sunday, there are 15 people (plus!) volunteering in the children's ministry alone, so I can sit blissfully in church while they get their own time with peers and the example of other adults who love upon them.

These past few years I've come to realize that giving my money is very important. And even more valuable is my time. It takes energy and effort and time to give and to organize something the benefits others. With my money I will give something that will be spent - but with my time, I can make an impact that could last for years.

Thank you to everyone who volunteers their time to help build community and to impact the lives of others.

Where do you volunteer your time? What relationships are you investing in with purpose?

I Love Librarians - What's your path to the Word?

Today I am grateful for librarians, and in particular, my son's school Librarian - Winnie.

In the space of one month, my son went from doing fairly well at sounding-out and beginning reading - to *begging* so that he could read the books he brought home from the school library - and spending 40 minutes by himself digging through some pretty difficult stuff.

All because the school librarian brought in some pretty rad books (in Spanish no less) about knights and dragons and comic book style chapter books - pretty much a boy's dream (or at least mine). He no longer felt like a baby trying to read the old picture books - instead it was all about his current obsessions - superheros.

My small group is continuning to work through The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg - and my son's passion about reading reminded me of his discussion of the various "sacred pathways" - quoting Gary's Thomas' book by the same name. For example, the naturalist finds God in nature and the intellectual finds God by learning while the activist comes alive spiritually in a great cause.

God's word has so much richness for all of us - though maybe some of us need to listen to it, while some need to read quotes from the Bible in blogs, and others of us (like me) need a Bible that cross references other historical chapters so I can get a rich sense of context. Or maybe we need a bible with lots of detailed pictures and action figures (my two sons still talk about the David and Goliath story they learned in church school - and the infamous sling shot!

The passion and knowledge is there - we just need the right librarian!

Grateful for my Husband

Dear Jeff,

I am so grateful to have you in my life.

You love me, everyday, and for that I am the most grateful of all. You find me attractive even when I am bald. You want to talk to me at the end of the day, even when I think I don't want to talk to anyone. You want to stand beside me, and call me your wife. I am never alone when I am with you.

You are an amazing Dad. You shower our boys with affection and they bloom under your attention. You spend hours looking for lost things, and fixing broken toys - and as such, the boys know with a deep deep longing that you will never give up on them. And as I write this I know that you won't give up on me, even when I feel lost.

You are a supportive partner. Even when you don't share the same spiritual journey I do, you walk me and the boys to church, and you put the boys to bed when I go to Bible study. You drive to boys' soccer games while I get my own black eyes chasing the ball. You encouraged me to stay home with the boys when I felt the calling, and now you are patient with my job search as I seek to reintegrate back into working life.

You are a great husband, a faithful provider and a man with deep convictions of right and wrong.

But mainly you are a man who loves me, and that is enough, and will always be the best gift a wife could ever have.

I love you.

Megan

30 Days of Gratitude

This fall has flown by, and though Halloween will linger on for weeks in our house (due to the bickering and negotiating about candy consumption), November is upon us. For some time I've been wanting to be more intentional about gratitude, and actively thanking people that are making an impact in my life. This month, my goal is to blog about one person (or group) each day for which I am grateful (and hopefully follow that up with a direct expression of thanks to them). Will you join me on my trip of 30 days of gratitude?

In the midst of goodness, a reminder of death

Last weekend as I was baking dozens of mini muffins for our housewarming party, a bird flew straight into our kitchen window. I was startled by the crash, and eventually I looked around to see a lifeless bird lying there on the ground.

I kept looking out the window, hoping I'd see him start to move about. Finally the flies started to move in, and I had to admit that this little birdie was dead. And I was so sad I couldn't even stand to move him. My poor husband had to deal with the dead bird when he came home.

This new home has been so life-giving for me and for our family. I feel so good when I am here, looking out the windows at the trees, or enjoying the ample outdoor space. We had an amazing (and chaotic) Halloween housewarming party over the weekend that included lots of romps through the woods by bands of kids.

So it was a bit of a shock to confront even a bit of loss in this new uptopia.

But that is the way God works sometimes, no?

Sometimes in the midst of life's abundant goodness, I am given small reminders that my days are numbered. And even the blessing of being surrounded by birds means that some will die, and to celebrate something means the vulnerability of mourning something later. Yet even knowing that I do not know what tomorrow will bring, I need to let the peace of God fill my worrying heart.

One of my favorite Bible verses about worry (and birds!) is from Matthew 6:

^"25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?.....³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Tuning Out the Distractions

My new friend Marney is a professional dog trainer (and a good one to boot!). She typically works with dogs when they've had some problem (bit someone or acted really agressively) but sometimes she gets dogs that just need a little bit of fine tuning. Often this involves how the dog she is training interacts with other dogs.

I ran into Marney on our street last week (a divine appointment, I like to say) and got the chance to talk a walk with her and see her in action while training one of her dogs. It was amazing to watch. First, the dog was totally focused on her, and responded to her cues and little rewards. But mostly I was impressed by how focused Marney was on the dog. As she and the dog approached other dogs (and their owners) Marney was right there talking to the dog and maintaining eye contact with it constantly.

Meanwhile, the other owners were talking away - and even trying to give Marney directions (turn your dog around so my puppy can learn not to jump!). It was so chaotic I was having trouble focusing on who was where, and there was Marney - calm in the midst of it and completely focused on her task at hand. She didn't say a word to any of the other owners - even to negate directions thrown her way, or even to respond to hellos.

So often in my life I have trouble shutting off that voice in my head - what will people think? I spend a lot of energy making sure everyone else is okay - not letting them down, wondering how someone will react to what I've done. How refreshing to meet someone who can tune everyone else out and just focus on what's important - now.

Clearly most moments of life require being IN the moment, and being open and aware of other people's needs - that's our call as Christians, to be a point of light and encouragement in the darkness. But I think too often my authentic self gets stifled when I am worrying too much about someone else (that stranger will think I'm rude if I don't say hello!) or (I should wear my wig because they will feel uncomfortable if I show up to this party bald).

I got a call today from an old friend Maureen who I haven't talked to in a year. She also has been suffering from hair loss and has been really struggling with the pain and stigma of losing her hair. I hope that her pain will lessen as mine has over time. She is such a light in the world and I want her to be out in it - without worrying about what people are thinking. Tune out the voice in my head.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I've been trying really hard lately to be intentional about creating a stronger connection with God. I've been reading more books, trying to attend small groups, and I signed up for a three-part class at church - the church's version of a membership class.

I felt really proud of myself because for the first part of the class I didn't go to a reunion event that I had committed to. It felt like I was carving time out for something I really wanted to do.

And then comes the week two class. I knew that the wedding of a dear friend was that day, but in my head I thought it was later, and that I could do both. Once I looked in my calender and confirmed the time I realized with a start that I'd miss week two to attend the celebration of dear friends.

And looking forward to week three, my parents had scheduled a last-minute trip into town (hooray!) and I'll likely see if Jeff can pick them up from the airport so me and the boys can still attend church, but I didn't want to miss half of our only weekend day with them for the class.

It looks like the membership class wasn't going to happen afterall. And I felt (and still feel) pretty guilty about my intention to go and not following through.

I really think that how I spend my time is a reflection of where I am going, and what goals I am trying to reach. But I also realized this week that filling my time with infinite opportunities won't necessarily help me reach my goal. To put it more specifically, I thought about trying to go to two church small groups this week, and briefly thought about watching the podcast for another class another night. But three nights away from the house and family will not get me closer to God. In fact, I realized it will only leave me more frazzled. Too much of a good thing doesn't always lead me to where I want to be.

One of my small groups is reading a book called "The Me I Want to Be" by John Ortberg - I think you can even download it for free on Kindle. I'm just beginning to read the book but I've gotten so much out of it so far.  One of the questions he asks is "How is your spiritual life going?" and encourages us not to measure it by any devotional activities we can cross off our lists - but by a wise man's answer to the same question:

"I ask myself two questions:
= Am I growing more easily discouraged these days?
= Am I growing more easily irritated these days?" (pg. 41)

I love this part of the book, and I've found myself this past week asking myself these same questions - Am I more discouraged? Am I more irritated? And if the answer is yes, how can I reconnect with God, now?

The answer for me hasn't always been another meeting - though an occasional one of those helps. But surprisingly it's been 1) taking a walk in nature and 2) taking the time to play a pick-up soccer game with the family before heading to the grocery store.

I'm realizing that it's the "time in-between" that's important for me now as well. Scheduling four hours of downtime on a weekend. Making time to take walks in nature, and sit on my deck. I think I need to schedule less of everything, even the "good" things.

What do you do when you feel yourself becoming more irritated, or more discouraged?

Regaining Momentum

Behold, I am doing a new thing!

So how come I am feeling stuck again?

A few weeks ago I went to a big industry conference for the field I'm trying to enter as my next career. It felt so good to take some classes, network a bit, and meet more people. I felt like I was on my way. Things were flowing, and it almost felt easy.

I had a couple of post-conference meetings / interviews set up. And then one of them fell through and I am sitting here thinking, now what?

Do I really even know enough to do this? How can I be a consultant if I am still learning this stuff? Maybe I should study more and pursue this.... next year.

I know that's really just fear talking. But it does speak to a loss of momentum. It's easy to keep positive in a room full of thousands of people with the music blaring. And now, alone with a list of things I haven't done, and not knowing where to start, I'm feeling tired.

I also realized it had been six days since I have really worked on this back-to-work project, between staying home with my sick son, and taking a great long weekend to attend my reunion. I've gotten out of the habit of chipping away at this big goal that can feel overwhelming.

Habits are powerful things. Since we've moved into our new home I just haven't remembered to keep taking my whole vitamin routine (fish oil, vitamin D, multi-vitamins, probiotics - whew!). I don't think that's helped my low energy level. So finally, I tried to get back in the habit - and thankfully my youngest son is helping me. "It's vitamin time mom!"

I think ultimately it is habits that get me through the stuck periods. They are small, deliberate acts toward my bigger goals (of health, of meaningful work, of a deepened walk with God) that I can do even if I don't feel like it.

But habits won't help me with my fear.  I realized a new habit I need to cultivate is meeting with other people regularly to gain and give encouragement - a trusted friend, a colleague in the field.

And yet as long as I believe that I can study enough, or create enough good habits, or network or share enough - I will always fall short. Because someday the realization will hit me that indeed I failed myself or others - and I didn't prepare enough. And I know that ultimately I need to bring God into this journey, especially to the things I think I know best.

Regaining Momentum = Habits + Help + Higher Power

God - in those moments when I am filled with anxiety I know it is because I am trying to hold together a world in which I truly have no control.  Thank you God for your promise that I am good enough, and that when I rely on you and not myself, I will find the peace I seek.

What new habits do you want to start? What habits have helped you regain momentum?

Everythings Positive on the Internet

I had a great time at my reunion weekend, for so many reasons. One of them was a "Classes without Quizzes" taught by a professor on the subject of multi-tasking.

He ended up talking a lot about emotional intelligence, and how hard it is to practice and learn ways to express our emotions and interpret the emotions of others - and in turn, how much harder it is for our kids since they can take the easier route of texting or emailing (and hence less practice expressing and reading emotions).

One of the things that he mentioned that really struck me was that so much of what is on the internet - and on Facebook in particular - is positive emotions. Facebook's not the usual place we announce a miscarriage or divorce - who's going to "like" that? This can create a warped view for the rest of us when we think that everyone else lives such more perfect lives than us.

One of my friends Zohary has a blog Raising the Rosses and she has a bible verse that serves as her mission statement in her journey:

"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."  - 2 Corinthians 12:9

I, too, will continue to boast about my weaknesses - for those things that plague me also keep me humble and needing God.

I have a song in my head tonight - "Open the Eyes of My Heart Lord".

A Clear Channel to God

Lately I've been listening to a Christian radio station - KLUV I think it's called - that I stumbled upon in the car one day.  It always calms me down, reminds me to think about the big picture, and that whatever little thing I'm worried about ain't that big in the end of the day.

But more often than not recently, I can't get the KLUV station in my car. I tune up and down around the numbers, but nothing. This shouldn't be too surprising since there are so many hills in our city, but still - NPR is always there loud and strong! Sometimes I can hear it, and sometimes it is true radio silence.

I realized that's what God's voice must be like for us. I think of God as an omnipresent being who is there - but I can't always hear what God is saying - or I guess more accurately, I'm not always listening. The broadcast is out there in the radio waves, but I'm often too distracted to tune in.

We have been struggling a lot the past couple of weeks with the behavior of my older son. He's been having violent tantrums multiple times a day that have been really wearing on me. It's just exhausting to be in constant struggle. But I've been asking for help around this, and today when someone in my small group asked for a prayer request I asked for help with dealing with my son's anger.

And today was so much better.

I have no illusions that we are out of the woods, because any journey worth going on is going to take some sustained effort. But I will celebrate a day that was better than the last.

Before Facebook, there was the Class Book

My 15th college reunion is coming up, and with it the delivery of an enormous, 400-page book of "class pages" that other alums have submitted, with pictures, memories and here's-what-I'm-up-to updates.  Since we just moved into our new place, I haven't gotten my book yet. But I got a response to my page from a dear friend.

She emailed me a heartfelt long note, chronicling some of her joys and sorrows since we last saw each other at our 10th reunion.

The Class Book has been a bit of a joke between my friends and I - my college roommate Keiko even wrote a mini-drama starring the class book and the angst around reunion time. I remember the 5th reunion Class Book read like a overachievers handbook - what jobs people had done, how many countries they had traveled to. And then the 10th reunion was a baby bomb book - with still many overachievers in the mix.

I was actually pretty inspired to read about all the things that my classmates had done in the world. I remember reading my husband's 10th Class Book and thinking - do I wish I were doing that? At the time it felt like a good reality check to see if I should be heading a different direction.

And now, 15 years, and I'm all about keeping it real.

I can't remember quite what I wrote on my Class page, but I know it involved anger, and sorrow, and joy too. And a picture of a bald mama, mention of alopecia, and a link to this blog. The fabulous thing about heading around the bend toward 40 is that being honest and being known is more refreshing than scary.

My faith has helped me so much with that. I still compare myself to others like that Class Book, but it happens less - and more often, I look deep within my heart and where I think God is speaking, and wonder - is this where God wants me to be?

Veneers still exist though - and they are especially hard when we think everyone else is a perfect parent, or in a great marriage, or a perfect job. Today after church one of the volunteer Sunday school teachers gushed on and on about what great, obedient kids I have and how they are a model for others. I probably should have just said "thank you!" but I told him that we struggle so much at home - both with their anger and mine, and that in the end having kids has brought me closer to God as I've needed God more than ever.

What would you write to your former college or high school classmates today?

To Wig, or not To Wig?

Thanks to the awesome and generous child-wrangling of my mother-in-law, and the house-knoming of my friend Megan, I've been enjoying going to a big conference all week and kick-starting my new back-to-work phase.

Before I went to the conference I debated long and hard over whether or not I would wear a wig.

I haven't been wearing one all summer, and it felt strange to put one back on again. But I had told myself that I'd wear one for my job search. Now I wasn't so sure. I wanted to be the "real" me - I didn't want potential employers to hire me (or not) because they thought I had hair - better let them see how it really is.

Plus there would be 50,000 people at the conference. I thought it wouldn't be so bad to be anonymous! People would remember me for sure.

I think part of my hestitation was that if I wore my wig now, I would have to wear it everytime I saw this group of people again. That's like saying if you order chocolate milk today for lunch, you have to order it everyday for the rest of your life! I was feeling penned in by just the thought of feeling that restricted - like I was hiding something that would then need to be covered up.

My friend Megan had a couple of peices of great advice as we were talking it over.

1) What I decide now can definitely be changed - I can always decide to not wear the wig, and tell people then I have alopecia. I get to decide.
2) Figure out if I am doing something for them, or if I'm doing it for myself.

For example - if I'm wearing a wig to make other people less uncomfortable - then don't wear it. But if I'm wearing a wig to make myself  feel more comfortable, then go for it.

I love friends that have known me 15 years and have such words of wisdom. They are such a treasure!

I wore a wig to the conference. It felt okay. It was still strange to catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror, but I feel that way when I see my bald head too. And I wore my new orange jacket so I wouldn't be anonymous.

Weeds in the Garden

Today we took my mom's dog Ellie back to their house. The boys wandered out back to dig with "real construction" shovels in the garden dirt pile. And all of a sudden, I was amazed at how many weeds (and how high!) had appeared in all the cracks in the cement. When they moved into this home, I took it as my personal project to weed the edges and sidewalks that had been neglected. I worked for two days straight and was proud of how much nicer it looked after my effort.

It shouldn't have been a surprise that nine months later, the weeds were running wild all over the patio. Amazingly I hadn't even noticed them growing all this time. And now, here they were, reminding me - we're back! (And back with a vengeance...)

There are some things in my life that are like those weeds. For some of us, it may be addiction, or falling into some bad relationship patterns. I know I have many weeds in my life, but tonight I am thinking about my anger and my aggressiveness that sometimes feels beyond my control.

I was so proud of myself - I went for three nights straight being calm while my boys collapsed into screaming, writhing, hitting each other and me puddles on the floor. And then the fourth night, I am in a crazy long drive-through line at In & Out Burger, Alex has been screaming about no ketchup and then proceeds to throw projectiles my way, one of which (a washcloth) hits me in the face. I turn around and try to whip him back with the washcloth ("you missed, mom!") screaming all the while "Don't you ever throw things at me in the car again!".

The shame was only mitigated somewhat by the consolation that my washcloth didn't actually hit its mark.

Sometimes I think that if I work on something, like my anger - that it will magically go away, and I don't have to deal with it anymore. And then it will rear its ugly head like those weeds and remind me that there are some things in my life that need constant tending.

A big clean-out always helps, but anything worth doing is a practice - day by day, little by little, so that those weeds don't get too big and gnarly.

Faith is like that too. God showered me with abundance these past few months. Now that the thrill is starting to wear off the practice comes into play. We just closed on our condo yesterday, and the agent said "You both must be so thrilled!" - funny thing was, I didn't feel much. Just great, check that one off the box.  Talking to and hearing from God can never be sustained by the big steps (though they help) but all the little moments in between.

What are the weeds in your life that are plaguing you? How do you tend them to keep them from getting gnarly?

Talking about God

The whirlwind of the past few weeks has brought me face to face with the amazing things God can do, particularly when I'm specific with my dreaming and scheming and praying. I still can't believe we have a house in the city in the woods. I was praying for a house with "more connection to the outdoors". I got it ten-fold.

The harder part is telling my friends about God's role in this whole business - without completely turning them off.

"It was divine intervention" I'll say. And they can't believe that we happened upon a house when we weren't even really looking yet - on this street, where no one's sold their house for ten years.

Or, if I'm feeling bold "God was definitely at work here to line everything up for us!"

Often friends will change the subject when they hear the G-word. Or they'll move quickly onto the details of when and how we moved.

I'm realizing that 1) it's still hard for me to talk about God (though it's getting easier and 2) often people are most open to talking about faith issues when they bring it up.

Though I have to realize as well, that if I am speaking my truth, however briefly, that it may be planting a seed in someone else's heart - that they may explore with me later, or with someone else.

How do you talk about your faith or agnosticism with your friends? How do you deal with your own discomfort?

Measuring Progress

My mom has a saying that she repeats often: "Progress, not perfection." This is a great mantra for us, especially as we're a family of perfectionists.

Only I can't always see the progress. We have lived in our new house three weeks, and there is dust and boxes everywhere. Even when I try to clean out a tiny corner, something else happens and that corner is filled again. I know this will take time, but it feels like I am treading water!

I had a great conversation with Mike, our family's beloved bike shop manager and all around good guy (he's at Valencia Cyclery in the kids section if you're local). He said that he moved into a new house a couple of years ago and felt the same way, and he started taking pictures. That way, if he felt sad about making no progress, he could just pull out the pictures and remind himself of how far he'd come.

Last week my acupuncturist said she thought she was seeing fewer bald areas on the top of my head. I'm not really sure to be honest - it looks about the same to me, though I am seeing lots of little gray hairs coming in where before I had smooth baldness. I thought about taking pictures of my head to get a more definitive answer on whether it is regrowing or not. But somehow I haven't made that leap. I guess I'm feeling so much growth in the other parts of my life that I don't want to focus on a 1/4 inch of hair. At least not yet.

How do you measure progress in your life? What keeps you motivated when things feel like they are standing still?

On Hate

Yesterday my youngest son Alex proclaimed that he hated his older brother Ben. My immediate reflex was to say "No, you don't hate your brother." "Yes, I do hate him!"he replied.

My mind was quickly scanning old parenting books and remembering that some said that you're not supposed to tell your kids how they don't feel something - even hate. I thought of our preschool guru Mame who has told us as parents not to insist that a child say they are sorry when they are fighting over a toy. "Believe me," she'll state definitively "in that moment they are definitely not feeling sorry!"

I tried again with Alex. "Sometimes you feel really really angry at Ben." "Yes!"he said "Especially when he breaks my lego and I've been working since tomorrow on building it."

I feel the hate in my heart too. Even though I don't want to. Last night I was in the dinnertime crisis and I thought "I hate this!!!" not - I'm grateful I have plenty of food to eat, and a family, and a warm house. No - I hate this. And right now I'm feeling pretty angry toward pretty much everyone in my family.

Thank God I have God. Really, I can't imagine living with myself if I didn't. The shame and self-loathing would be overwhelming. God's grace for me isn't a blank slate to do whatever I want and then ask for forgiveness. But God's grace in my world is a chance to experience that dark dark place inside myself, and know that I can move on, and try to be a better person tomorrow.

Tonight I am thinking about a song by Chris Tomlin "Your Grace is Enough"  which really inspires me when I need grace (which is pretty much every day!).

What do you do with all your dark emotions?

Supporting Change in Others

The TV has been an issue of negotiation for our family for a while. When we moved into our first place together, Jeff and I decided to put the TV into the office upstairs instead of the main living area. We had to go upstairs to watch TV, which meant that the kids weren't tempted as much, but the reality was that Jeff and I would huddle in the small office and watch shows at the end of the day, leaving the big room empty.

I've spent lots of the last year trying to convince Jeff that we could save lots of money by canceling the TV altogether and just watching things on the computer - hey between cable, tivo and netflix it really adds up! I slowly started watching TV less at night and reading more, though Jeff still often fell asleep in front of the TV before going to bed at night.

Even before we moved into our new place something shifted for me. I still didn't want tons of TV, but I pictured "movie nights" where our family cuddled up on a big sofa. I wanted live sports, so we could watch football and baseball and lounge around on the weekends (I have comforting memories of my Dad napping while watching football games).

Jeff, meanwhile, went from wanting a large 48 inch new flat-screen TV for our new living room, to not wanting any TV at all.

Somehow we both criss-crossed to opposite ends of the TV spectrum.

One of my dear high school friends Nicole has parents who have been married over fifty years - married as high school sweethearts. I remember her mom once told me that the key to their successful marriage was letting the other person change, and moving forward with that.

I am not sure where our family is going to land with the whole TV in the living room negotiation. But it reminded me that change is certain in the people we love, and part of being in relationship is expecting, acknowledging and supporting that change.

No one is stagnant - and I don't think that's the life that God wants for us anyhow. Not all change is good of course, but even good change can be uncomfortable for the rest of us while we negotiate this new reality in our relationship.

How do you support your partner in the changes s/he is making in their life?

Making Space to Bring in the New

This week I think I hit a new low in terms of mood. I also think I proved that grumpiness is contagious - having successfully spiraled my husband out of a decent mood into the vortex of grump one evening.

In the midst of this marvelous abundance, I feel awful that I have been feeling so irritable and just plain angry. I should be happy! We are proud owners of our house in the woods, our old condo is in contract for more than we had imagined, and here I am, in the grumps.

I think it's easy for me to think that when I'm starting something new I won't be haunted by some of the things in my past. Like my irritability or feeling penned in by my surroundings. And then when those awful feelings come back to the surface I realize that I had hoped they would have disappeared in the move. No surprise that they haven't.

And here I am surrounded by boxes and chaos, and it's hard to focus on anything else. I've made no progress at all on any of my other heart's desires and goals.

I am slowly chipping away at the boxes, and trying to put things away, but I'm also realizing that my old stuff simply won't fit into the new house. I've started to slowly haul things back down to our van, and bring boxes to goodwill.  I know that to get the peace I crave, I need to get rid of things. Like my Dad says "possessions are a burden". Mostly I just want four solid days by myself in the house to go through it all!

I think life is like that too. I say I want healing - but have I made the space for it in my life? Is there something I need to give up? I think God's abundance is such that we don't always have to "give up" something to get the things we need most - but I find myself so distracted in this life, that I don't always focus my attention on what I want or need most.

Where do you need to make space - either in your physical world or your spirit world?

The End of the Summer of Bald

School starts tomorrow, and for us, that effectively means end of summer.

I've been putting off deciding what do to about the Summer of Bald. I thought about asking other people what they think, but in the end I decided this was too personal to follow anything other than my instincts. Only my instincts have been delaying and delaying.

I've loved the summer of bald.  I've felt so free - wearing my big earrings daily, and makeup when I can find it at the bottom of a box.  I realized that lately I haven't gotten any cancer inquiries, and I suppose it's because in my urban area it's a fashion statement to run about shorn. That and I think I look pretty healthy. But mostly I think people realize that when I show up all bald I'm not trying to hide anything - somehow I got more inquires when I've been wearing a hat.

I realized one of the confusing things for my son Ben and his schoolmates last spring was that some days I would wear a wig, and some days I would wear a hat. I think if I wore my wig everyday they would just forget about it eventually, and likewise if I wore a hat (or went bald) then it would just become passe at some point. So at some level I want to be consistent when I show up at his school. Though I can't quite muster up wanting to wear a wig again.

This is complicated by the fact that I'm planning my reentry back into the workforce after five years at home, and I'm planning to wear my wig. I feel like I have enough to explain about why I was home, and what skills I have to offer, without having to explain my "illness" to potential employers.

So I may start wearing my wig again a lot, but not yet. I'm just not ready for the summer of bald to be over.

The irony is that our new house in the woods gets a lot more fog than our old apartment - particularly at night. I've been wearing a hat almost constantly at home to combat the chill. Bald indeed!

Finding Peace in Chaos

We have moved into our new home, and I look out the window and see trees and more trees. I feel so blessed.

And then I look around inside, and I see chaos. Hundreds of boxes, in various stages of throwing up on the floor, combined with clothes that have no home, dirty laundry, lego and playmobil. Yesterday I was feeling a bit anxious, even though I made great progress on unpacking the kitchen.

The "when this then I'll be...." thoughts began to creep into my head. Like "when all these boxes are put away then I'll feel much better and will be able to relax" similar to the "when I find a new job then I'll be happier" soundtrack.

I took a break from the unpacking and went for a walk in the magical canyon (city park) that is our backyard. I watched the hawks flying, saw kids picking blackberries, and felt a bit more peace.

I was listening to the Christine Carter's Happiness Matters podcast and she mentioned a study where participants were instructed to only do "high productivity tasks" all the time - nothing fun, nothing for rest. They had trouble sleeping, and reached such a high anxiety level after just 48 hours the researchers had to stop the study.

There will always be chaos in my life. There will always be more things to do, scattered toys, jobs and tasks undone. And it's up to me to find peace in the midst of it.

I think that's what God wants for us "the peace that surpasses all understanding". The fray won't go away - there will always be something else to do, or something else to worry about. But I can take a few minutes every day to reconnect and find that peace and try to enjoy the ride.

How do you find everyday peace? Meditation? Exercise? Prayer? Post your comments!

Choosing Resentment or Changing the Story

Today in the midst of our busy packing week, one of the hazard warning lights went on in the car. After I had driven around for a while (wondering, is this car going to break down on the side of the highway?) I finally pulled out the manual to figure out exactly what this light meant to tell me.

It was low tire pressure. And I knew I had to deal with it, sooner than later.

And then that niggle of resentment began to creep into my head. Isn't this a guy's job? Shouldn't my husband be dealing with the car stuff?

Once when I was living in New Zealand a neighbor tried to teach me how to change the oil in my old car (the lesson didn't stick).  I'm not at all confident when it comes to even knowing simple things, like when to even bring my car in to get *someone else* to change the oil. I wish that my husband would just take this dreaded job away from me.

But the reality is that our family has one car, and I'm the one who drives it 90% of the time. Jeff commutes on the train to work, and occasionally drives it on weekends, but otherwise it's me. Before we got our new car, I formed a good relationship with the mechanics a block away - since our old Jetta seemed to need a lot of help.

So when that resentment started to creep in today I realized it was less about what my husband wasn't doing, and more about the lack of confidence I had in the task at hand. I didn't know what to do, and so I'd pretty much rather not do it at all.

I decided that I was going to take this on with a better attitude - and my son Ben quickly became my partner. I told him I'd never done this before, I didn't know what to do, but we were going to figure it out. We went into the gas station, bought an air pressure gauge, and I read the fine print on the tire not to exceed 40 PPM. Then Ben and I filled each tire to about 38 in my estimate. And we celebrated!

I told Ben that I was so proud of us, and I was. The story changed - from one about me having to deal with my husband's supposed "job" to my son and I bonding over conquering something new.

What are you resenting right now? How can you change the story?

See what you Seek

In the last issue of Stanford magazine, there was a really interesting article about a new book by anthropologist T.M. Luhrmann called "When God Talks Back: Understanding the American Evangelical Relationship with God."

In the book Luhrmann doesn't talk about whether or not God exists. She talks about how the practice of prayer can train a person to hear what they determine to be God's voice. There's also brief mention in the article of students in a study where they were told to visualize the deceased Leland Stanford Jr. (and some of them did).

This article really emphasized for me the fact that we do see what we seek to find. If I'm not looking for the divine, then running into a neighbor for an intense conversation, or the fact that our real estate agent answered the phone after not speaking for seven years would be just plain luck. But if I am seeking the divine, then I might notice things I wouldn't, or make connections that I will attribute to divine intervention.

I think the opposite is also true: if I believe that most people on the road today are terrible drivers, I will find a lot of bad drivers out there.

I really like the work of Christine Carter, who has a blog and a book called Raising Happiness. She talks a lot about the science of happiness, and about how incorporating different habits have been statistically shown to make us feel happier - having a faith practice is one of them. Her discussions about gratitude have really hit home for me - the more you focus on things you are grateful for, in a routine way preferably every day, the more grateful (and happy) you will feel for your life.

Yesterday I went to Big Trees State Park with the boys, and I saw the most "ginormous!" tree I have seen in my life. These sequoias tower over the redwoods hands down. And for me, I saw amazing grace, evidence of a God that is both large and small, and ancient.

And I will continue to seek.

To go deep, be in relationship

This week has been a whirlwind, a week full of blissful answered prayers and preparations for our closing and move to our new house. I have been profoundly grateful to God, and at the same time tired and stressed enough to keep realizing my need for God's grace (was that me screaming at the kids again?).

And so I wasn't really expecting God to give me a direct challenge.

I said before that I don't often hear God's still small voice in my head. But God uses other people with me to pound home the message. I ran into my neighbor in the hallway who has been in Wales for a number of months. He was talking about my church, and how he'd gotten to know some of the senior ministry staff there through some consulting he'd been doing with them on their property search. He had made true friendship with the church leadership he'd said, and then one day he asked them why, when he knew he was born gay, would they say God didn't love him the same as anyone else? If God created him this way, how could they think this would be wrong?

I'd never heard anyone in the church pulpit say anything overtly anti-gay, but to be honest I've feared going deeper in relationship with the church because if I went to the membership class and I heard something I didn't agree with I would have to make a choice: leave the church, or stay and step out of the shadows.

I've enjoyed the music and sermons and retreats and small groups, and I don't want to leave. But I've also been on the sidelines and haven't really stepped up to serve or get to know the pastoral staff.

The next day, just in case God thought I wasn't listening, the sermon that Luis gave was all about the early church teaching to the gentiles - a group that the early church leadership was firmly opposed to. Luis spoke about Peter's reluctant obedience to God and how it was the turning point in the early church and affected untold number of people.

I am reluctant God. I am uncomfortable. Are you sure I shouldn't be focusing in on my new house and all its abundance?

So, I know that some uncomfortable conversations are in my future, and even in my reluctance God will use me. I also know that to go deeper into anything important, the relationship usually comes first. It's time for me to step up and get more involved at church (sigh). It has been people at church, in my small groups and on retreat, who have challenged me in my faith so far and forced me to grow. And I know that growth will come from this too, reluctantly.

The winding road

I am staying up in the mountains on vacation with my boys this week. We've been driving to and from our cabin to the lake each day through a series of winding turns and roads. Every morning I've been able to drive down the hill and find my way without too much difficulty. And every afternoon on the way home I've gotten lost.

To me, it just looks a LOT different on the way back up. Roads I didn't notice veering off on the way down suddenly seem like the right turn on the way back up. Luckily I had my map. And today getting home was a bit easier.

I realized that when things get hard for me in life it's easy to get sidetracked. Diversions that I didn't notice before now seem important. But perhaps the opposite is just as true: when I'm cruising downhill I don't even notice the roads I'm supposed to take. I think that finding God is always easier for me in the rough patches since I'm usually paying more attention - and I need God more too.

After two sleepless nights out of pure excitement, I think I'll finally be able to rest tonight. It looks like (fingers crossed) our family will be moving to a new home in the middle of the woods in San Francisco. Jeff and I joked that we needed a "country house" but instead what we really dreamed about was a country house in the middle of the city. The house's disclosures listed "a family of four coyotes that sometimes comes into the backyard". Awesome.

Thank you God for answered prayers and the abundance of life. Amen!

Dream Big

The past couple of months I've been working through a book that Keiko sent me called "Your Heart's Desire: Instructions for Creating the Life you Really Want" by Sonia Choquette. Like any project that takes a good amount of both perseverance and timing, I've had the book for months, and had only skimmed through it.

This summer I've gotten serious about working through the exercises in the book and have really honed in on three heart's desires. This week it looks like one of them could come to fruition.

I have a weird way of dealing with God when abundance is knocking on my door. This is the prayer chain I run in my head. "God, this would be great. Really. But if it isn't meant to be, or isn't in your plan, that's okay. God, please make this work out the way it's supposed to."

It occurred to me that in reality this is really an expression of lack of faith, and some kind of lack of confidence in my relationship with God and what God can do in my life.

Tonight I'm changing my prayer. I've decided to ask, unabashedly for what I want. "God, I want this. I know you can make it happen. Please make it happen!" I may not get it, yes, but I remember what it says in Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Asking for what I desperately want is an expression of faith. So is the initial process of discernment and meditation to figure out what I really want in the first place.

I went to a community planning meeting about building a new local recreation center (or renovating the old one). A few people cited costs that were just unrealistic in terms of the various plans we were looking at. But one of the organizers said not to limit ourselves with cost when creating our vision. She said that only projects that had master plans with a broad scope would get funded - that when funding comes that we could pursue it with the plans in place, or raise money to get the vision funded.

I will keep deepening my vision of my heart's desires AND I will ask God for what I want. One day I will relish in the abundance of those dreams coming true. And today I will relish in the abundance I've got now.

"Shout for Joy, see what Love has done, he has come for us, he's the saving one" - I love this uplifting rock song by Lincoln Brewster.

The (Grumpy!) Waiting Place

Yesterday I hit my grumpy low. I was tired, irritated at the kids, and just grumpy.

It took me a while to figure out - why the grumps?

I realized that this is a period of intense transition for me, and I'm anxious to get started. We've been on the road 10+ days now, and while I've been enjoying time with family and friends, I'm thinking about what's at home - projects unfinished and waiting to begin, and a job search and networking to launch. The worst part is that I've scheduled another two weeks away for the family right when we return. In my effort to savor the last summer of home-with-the-kids I think I might have scheduled us too much.

I read a good book this summer called "The Waiting Place - Learning to Appreciate Life's Little Delays" and in it the author talked about her journey - through a husband's breakdown, her kids' growth, and her own track toward career and writing.

I know that the Waiting Place is part of the plan. I need this time to mentally discern next steps, and have the growth I need to get there and be ready when I knock and the doors open. But I'm still grumpy about it now.

My son Alex asked me - how can Jesus be in everyone's bellies at the same time? And I can't hear God talking to me! - both good questions I told him.

I can't hear God in my head either, at least not that I realize. But every once in a while, a big bird shows up in an unexpected place. There was the time last winter when I stood four feet away from a red tailed hawk on a fence in the middle of San Francisco. And last week I saw a large heron on the lakeshore when I was out for a run. Then this morning I took a bike ride, and on the way back, in the irrigation ditch between a corn and a soybean field, I saw a large heron. I think God is showing up in these big birds when I need a little encouragement. "I'm here" I imagine God saying. "In the City. By the Lake. In the middle of a cornfield. I am here."

And especially in the grumpy waiting place.

Summer of Bald, update 1

I had a great trip in Minnesota, and except a few hours on the sunny beach, wore my bald head all the time. I posted before that the hardest part about going about bald is that I always got the cancer question - and it's pretty awkward to say no, just alopecia, especially to survivors.

And in Minnesota I got no cancer inquiries. None. Great Necklace! Nice Shoes! Love your earrings. But no one mentioned anything about the bald head.

One person walking by said "Nice haircut!" I think that was about the closest a Minnesotan could come to acknowledging the situation directly. It was refreshing in a way to not have to answer the question, but there was a small part of me that was thinking "Do people think I have cancer and just aren't saying anything? Don't they care?" Minnesotans are pretty well known for a syndrome called Minnesota Nice - they are pretty darn nice to everyone they meet, but it may take a while to get to the heart of the matter and get to know them in a more intimate way.

So it was refreshing to reconnect with some old friends, and really share some of our joys and pains as honestly as we could.  Kindness is good. So is intimacy, and asking the hard questions. I'm going to try and do both.

Savoring the Present

I'm in Minnesota right now and there's one thing I love about Minnesotans more than anything else: they love their summer. It's 8:30 at night on a Wednesday, and there is an outdoor church service with rock music (which was fabulous) and a free concert at the local park, and oodles of people out walking, biking and enjoying the evening. After a long winter, Minnesotans know how to savor their summer, and the energy is contagious.

We have been blessed with lots of grandparent support and help over the past six years. The past few days I've been watching Grandma Jan interact with the kids, and I'm so impressed by her enthusiasm and meeting the kids right at their level.  She hasn't been home every minute that we've been visiting, but when she is home or with the kids she is fully engaged - playing card games, listening to stories, jumping in to help. She is operating fully "in the present" moment and the kids respond with glee.

One of the hard things about being a parent is being fully present in the day to day lives of our kids or families. We need to check email, do laundry, prepare meals and give the kids their due attention. It's hard to feel like I'm always where I'm needed to be when I'm doing too many things at once.

And I realized that one of the keys to being present is absence. The reason Minnesotans get wild about summer is that they miss it during the long winter, and they savor the summer when it comes. And grandparents aren't burned out by being with the kids all day - so when they get their moments to connect they take full advantage of them.

For me, I may need to create more moments of absence for myself - a couple of more hours with the babysitter so I can finish that project, or time away so I can meditate and regroup. Then when I do come back I won't feel quite as pulled in many directions - and I'll do my best to be present.

Being OK with less than perfect

Many years ago, I was on the search committee for a new minister at our small church. It was humbling in many ways to be part of a search team that was looking for the "right fit." In the end I didn't feel a strong connection with this minister and left the church to find a new one that was closer to home - a big irony since I had helped pick her! It was a good reminder that we can't always know what we need or want, and I need to leave a lot of my control up to God about what I think is right.

I'll never forget something this minister said in the search process when asked whether she would consider a part-time position. She said "There's no such thing as part-time work, only part-time pay." I thought it was a bit sarcastic at the time, but as I'm considering going back to work and (hopefully) part-time I can only anticipate the slippery slope between working more hours but not being paid for them.

I just had a great afternoon with an old friend Nicole today. We spoke about juggling work and family time, and the importance of setting boundaries with work to protect the time we have at home. She could have gone to a summer camp she was helping run every night this week - but she chose not to - and the camp continued on well enough without her.

But Nicole said something else that I thought was even more important: it's harder many times to say "that's enough" to ourselves. Sometimes I know if I spent just a few more hours on something I could do a better job. Or I think that this work is important - and I really want to be there at that next event. But that perfectionism can only lead me to burnout.

I've been in a small group at church and one thing we just talked about is that sometimes saying yes to God means saying no to other things. Saying yes to our heart's desire means saying no to things that we also, really, really want to do. And saying no to myself is important too - when I lean toward really digging in and going overboard in a job or project, it's okay to say I could do better - but it's time to move on to the next thing. That's enough!

Being an Advocate

I'm typically a shy person when it comes to asking for things in public. Someone might be smoking too close to me and instead of asking them to move, I'll just move away to make things easier on myself. Salary negotiations give me no small amount of anxiety.

I've been forced to get over that discomfort a bit since my son and I both have food sensitivities. His are so severe that he wasn't growing before we figured it out, and he quickly gets sick if he's gotten accidentally exposed to something - mostly gluten and dairy. I've had to be okay asking someone to please make another hamburger without the bun - no, they can't just take the bun off because it's a food allergy (and hoping I'm saying it nicely enough that they do what I ask).

Last week was a bit hard for me in the advocacy department. Since we were at camp, all our meals were served in the communal dining hall. I brought a special bag of food to store in the walk-in fridge since I knew the drill from last year, but even sneaking back into the bustling big kitchen to get the bag felt like an imposition.  I felt too uncomfortable asking them to make special pasta, or getting them to tell me all the ingredients in each of the dishes, for all three meals. I just made my best guesses re. the food and supplemented with the bag we brought.

Then Alex got sick. I felt angry that I was saddled with this burden of asking, and angry at myself for being so uncomfortable about asking and having failed the test.  And then, while drinking my gluten-free beer in the dinner line, I met another gluten-free woman who has celiac. She would go in the kitchen in the morning and get the run-down as best she could from the cook, and I'd ask her the report. And the next night, miracle of miracles, she even asked the cook to make us some eggplant parmesan with no breading. I still had to hold up the dinner line asking for my special meal, but I savored every bite of that delicious eggplant.

It was so nice to find someone else on the journey, who ended up being my advocate too as she asked about her own needs. It took the pressure off me, but it also reminded me an important thing: ask, you and you shall receive eggplant parmesan.

Summer of Bald

I just spent a blissful, unconnected week in the mountains at a family camp run by our city's park and rec department. The setting was rustic, and it was my chance to start the "summer of bald."

I knew I wasn't going to bring my wig(s) - on the trip. They don't work well in the pool, or the lake. I did bring lots of hats - it got cold at night, and big hats for lakeside. But I went bald lots too.

I got one cancer inquiry - but she said she doubted it since I looked so healthy. And it gave me the reason to talk to another woman who confided that she was suffering from extremely serious autoimmune issues, including the removal of her colon.

I got a chance to think about a lot of things over the unplugged week - including crafting some big goals and heart's desires that I am working toward.

And I realized a few important truths as well, including:

I am healthy.

I feel so good right now. I can run, I can play soccer. I can bike to the baseball game and home again and not think twice about my body.

A friend told me that there was another woman at the camp with Alopecia, but I didn't know it. She said she wore a hat all the time, so I didn't notice any bald spots.

And so, this summer, I invite all you women and men out there to the Summer of Bald. I will see you in the airports, shopping malls, and swimming pools. And I will be extremely grateful that I am healthy.

It Only Takes One...

I was watching a movie the other night called "Long Life, Happiness and Prosperity". It was about a girl who is desperately trying to set up her single mom with a husband. She tries all sorts of Chinese magic tricks from her book, and things do happen (some might call it magic, I call it God). What struck me the most about the story was the deep faith of that little girl. Despite resistance from her mom, friends and neighbors, she persevered in her goal. And you know what? Her faith was enough to make the universe spin.

It was a good reminder that sometimes I am too focused on getting others in step with me when I want to see a big change. If only you did the following three things, well then you'll be happier.  And the more I focus on what they need to do, or how I could change them, the less I focus on me and what I can do.

And I've realized that my faith alone is enough to make the change I need. It may not be the change I seek, but when I ask God change will come, of that I am certain. Like the girl in the movie, I can have enough hope and prayers and joy for all of us.

I know that my faith is enough to move mountains in my universe, but it's always nice to have a good word along the way. This week I got to spend some time with my new friend Zohary and she confessed that when she did a survey one of his spiritual gifts was "encouragement".  It was so appropriate for her - in little ways that she may not even realize she has encouraged me to be a more giving spouse, a budding writer, and someone to be accountable to for my goals.

So tonight God I pray that I continue to know that my faith is enough to bring joy and peace to myself and our family. I also pray that I can be the one to encourage another, in ways both large and small.  It only takes one.

Inaction

A few weeks ago, I posted on a friend's blog that this was my goal for the next three months: "I want to remake our home into a calm place of refuge that is both filled with joy and relaxation - a place to sink into at the end of the day and a place to celebrate during the day."

Since then I've hired a babysitter a couple of days a week and have a) started networking to find my next job b) updated my resume and linkedin profile c) made some calls that were overdue and d) generally checked a bunch of things off my list.

I have done absolutely nothing on the home project.

Last week I decided maybe I could bypass the whole issue by aha! moving to a new house. I thought this was brilliant idea of course, and immediately spent too many hours on zillow and other sites searching for our next great place. My husband reminded me that this was not in our plans for the immediate future. So the inaction continues.

I say that I want my hair to grow back. Yet there are also things that I know I need to do, that I have not prioritized.

Like sleep. If there's one thing that's supposed to help the immune system - it's getting those 9+ hours, particularly between 10:00 pm and midnight. And I haven't been faithfully using the rosemary oil and vinegar rinse that my accupuncturist gave me.

I'm not trying to beat myself up. But I do think it is healthy, every once in a while, to examine what I *say* I want to accomplish, and what I am actually doing. It's easy when something looms so big to never take a step at all (home project!). But I know I just need to take the first step. And then take another smaller one. And then to write those goals up on a piece of paper that I can look at every day so I can remember how I am doing.

And so now I'm going to sign off, and go to bed. :)