Yesterday my youngest son Alex proclaimed that he hated his older brother Ben. My immediate reflex was to say "No, you don't hate your brother." "Yes, I do hate him!"he replied.
My mind was quickly scanning old parenting books and remembering that some said that you're not supposed to tell your kids how they don't feel something - even hate. I thought of our preschool guru Mame who has told us as parents not to insist that a child say they are sorry when they are fighting over a toy. "Believe me," she'll state definitively "in that moment they are definitely not feeling sorry!"
I tried again with Alex. "Sometimes you feel really really angry at Ben." "Yes!"he said "Especially when he breaks my lego and I've been working since tomorrow on building it."
I feel the hate in my heart too. Even though I don't want to. Last night I was in the dinnertime crisis and I thought "I hate this!!!" not - I'm grateful I have plenty of food to eat, and a family, and a warm house. No - I hate this. And right now I'm feeling pretty angry toward pretty much everyone in my family.
Thank God I have God. Really, I can't imagine living with myself if I didn't. The shame and self-loathing would be overwhelming. God's grace for me isn't a blank slate to do whatever I want and then ask for forgiveness. But God's grace in my world is a chance to experience that dark dark place inside myself, and know that I can move on, and try to be a better person tomorrow.
Tonight I am thinking about a song by Chris Tomlin "Your Grace is Enough" which really inspires me when I need grace (which is pretty much every day!).
What do you do with all your dark emotions?
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