Last weekend as I was baking dozens of mini muffins for our housewarming party, a bird flew straight into our kitchen window. I was startled by the crash, and eventually I looked around to see a lifeless bird lying there on the ground.
I kept looking out the window, hoping I'd see him start to move about. Finally the flies started to move in, and I had to admit that this little birdie was dead. And I was so sad I couldn't even stand to move him. My poor husband had to deal with the dead bird when he came home.
This new home has been so life-giving for me and for our family. I feel so good when I am here, looking out the windows at the trees, or enjoying the ample outdoor space. We had an amazing (and chaotic) Halloween housewarming party over the weekend that included lots of romps through the woods by bands of kids.
So it was a bit of a shock to confront even a bit of loss in this new uptopia.
But that is the way God works sometimes, no?
Sometimes in the midst of life's abundant goodness, I am given small reminders that my days are numbered. And even the blessing of being surrounded by birds means that some will die, and to celebrate something means the vulnerability of mourning something later. Yet even knowing that I do not know what tomorrow will bring, I need to let the peace of God fill my worrying heart.
One of my favorite Bible verses about worry (and birds!) is from Matthew 6:
"25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what
you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than
clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?.....33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Tuning Out the Distractions
My new friend Marney is a professional dog trainer (and a good one to boot!). She typically works with dogs when they've had some problem (bit someone or acted really agressively) but sometimes she gets dogs that just need a little bit of fine tuning. Often this involves how the dog she is training interacts with other dogs.
I ran into Marney on our street last week (a divine appointment, I like to say) and got the chance to talk a walk with her and see her in action while training one of her dogs. It was amazing to watch. First, the dog was totally focused on her, and responded to her cues and little rewards. But mostly I was impressed by how focused Marney was on the dog. As she and the dog approached other dogs (and their owners) Marney was right there talking to the dog and maintaining eye contact with it constantly.
Meanwhile, the other owners were talking away - and even trying to give Marney directions (turn your dog around so my puppy can learn not to jump!). It was so chaotic I was having trouble focusing on who was where, and there was Marney - calm in the midst of it and completely focused on her task at hand. She didn't say a word to any of the other owners - even to negate directions thrown her way, or even to respond to hellos.
So often in my life I have trouble shutting off that voice in my head - what will people think? I spend a lot of energy making sure everyone else is okay - not letting them down, wondering how someone will react to what I've done. How refreshing to meet someone who can tune everyone else out and just focus on what's important - now.
Clearly most moments of life require being IN the moment, and being open and aware of other people's needs - that's our call as Christians, to be a point of light and encouragement in the darkness. But I think too often my authentic self gets stifled when I am worrying too much about someone else (that stranger will think I'm rude if I don't say hello!) or (I should wear my wig because they will feel uncomfortable if I show up to this party bald).
I got a call today from an old friend Maureen who I haven't talked to in a year. She also has been suffering from hair loss and has been really struggling with the pain and stigma of losing her hair. I hope that her pain will lessen as mine has over time. She is such a light in the world and I want her to be out in it - without worrying about what people are thinking. Tune out the voice in my head.
I ran into Marney on our street last week (a divine appointment, I like to say) and got the chance to talk a walk with her and see her in action while training one of her dogs. It was amazing to watch. First, the dog was totally focused on her, and responded to her cues and little rewards. But mostly I was impressed by how focused Marney was on the dog. As she and the dog approached other dogs (and their owners) Marney was right there talking to the dog and maintaining eye contact with it constantly.
Meanwhile, the other owners were talking away - and even trying to give Marney directions (turn your dog around so my puppy can learn not to jump!). It was so chaotic I was having trouble focusing on who was where, and there was Marney - calm in the midst of it and completely focused on her task at hand. She didn't say a word to any of the other owners - even to negate directions thrown her way, or even to respond to hellos.
So often in my life I have trouble shutting off that voice in my head - what will people think? I spend a lot of energy making sure everyone else is okay - not letting them down, wondering how someone will react to what I've done. How refreshing to meet someone who can tune everyone else out and just focus on what's important - now.
Clearly most moments of life require being IN the moment, and being open and aware of other people's needs - that's our call as Christians, to be a point of light and encouragement in the darkness. But I think too often my authentic self gets stifled when I am worrying too much about someone else (that stranger will think I'm rude if I don't say hello!) or (I should wear my wig because they will feel uncomfortable if I show up to this party bald).
I got a call today from an old friend Maureen who I haven't talked to in a year. She also has been suffering from hair loss and has been really struggling with the pain and stigma of losing her hair. I hope that her pain will lessen as mine has over time. She is such a light in the world and I want her to be out in it - without worrying about what people are thinking. Tune out the voice in my head.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Too Much of a Good Thing
I've been trying really hard lately to be intentional about creating a
stronger connection with God. I've been reading more books, trying to
attend small groups, and I signed up for a three-part class at church -
the church's version of a membership class.
I felt really proud of myself because for the first part of the class I didn't go to a reunion event that I had committed to. It felt like I was carving time out for something I really wanted to do.
And then comes the week two class. I knew that the wedding of a dear friend was that day, but in my head I thought it was later, and that I could do both. Once I looked in my calender and confirmed the time I realized with a start that I'd miss week two to attend the celebration of dear friends.
And looking forward to week three, my parents had scheduled a last-minute trip into town (hooray!) and I'll likely see if Jeff can pick them up from the airport so me and the boys can still attend church, but I didn't want to miss half of our only weekend day with them for the class.
It looks like the membership class wasn't going to happen afterall. And I felt (and still feel) pretty guilty about my intention to go and not following through.
I really think that how I spend my time is a reflection of where I am going, and what goals I am trying to reach. But I also realized this week that filling my time with infinite opportunities won't necessarily help me reach my goal. To put it more specifically, I thought about trying to go to two church small groups this week, and briefly thought about watching the podcast for another class another night. But three nights away from the house and family will not get me closer to God. In fact, I realized it will only leave me more frazzled. Too much of a good thing doesn't always lead me to where I want to be.
One of my small groups is reading a book called "The Me I Want to Be" by John Ortberg - I think you can even download it for free on Kindle. I'm just beginning to read the book but I've gotten so much out of it so far. One of the questions he asks is "How is your spiritual life going?" and encourages us not to measure it by any devotional activities we can cross off our lists - but by a wise man's answer to the same question:
"I ask myself two questions:
= Am I growing more easily discouraged these days?
= Am I growing more easily irritated these days?" (pg. 41)
I love this part of the book, and I've found myself this past week asking myself these same questions - Am I more discouraged? Am I more irritated? And if the answer is yes, how can I reconnect with God, now?
The answer for me hasn't always been another meeting - though an occasional one of those helps. But surprisingly it's been 1) taking a walk in nature and 2) taking the time to play a pick-up soccer game with the family before heading to the grocery store.
I'm realizing that it's the "time in-between" that's important for me now as well. Scheduling four hours of downtime on a weekend. Making time to take walks in nature, and sit on my deck. I think I need to schedule less of everything, even the "good" things.
What do you do when you feel yourself becoming more irritated, or more discouraged?
I felt really proud of myself because for the first part of the class I didn't go to a reunion event that I had committed to. It felt like I was carving time out for something I really wanted to do.
And then comes the week two class. I knew that the wedding of a dear friend was that day, but in my head I thought it was later, and that I could do both. Once I looked in my calender and confirmed the time I realized with a start that I'd miss week two to attend the celebration of dear friends.
And looking forward to week three, my parents had scheduled a last-minute trip into town (hooray!) and I'll likely see if Jeff can pick them up from the airport so me and the boys can still attend church, but I didn't want to miss half of our only weekend day with them for the class.
It looks like the membership class wasn't going to happen afterall. And I felt (and still feel) pretty guilty about my intention to go and not following through.
I really think that how I spend my time is a reflection of where I am going, and what goals I am trying to reach. But I also realized this week that filling my time with infinite opportunities won't necessarily help me reach my goal. To put it more specifically, I thought about trying to go to two church small groups this week, and briefly thought about watching the podcast for another class another night. But three nights away from the house and family will not get me closer to God. In fact, I realized it will only leave me more frazzled. Too much of a good thing doesn't always lead me to where I want to be.
One of my small groups is reading a book called "The Me I Want to Be" by John Ortberg - I think you can even download it for free on Kindle. I'm just beginning to read the book but I've gotten so much out of it so far. One of the questions he asks is "How is your spiritual life going?" and encourages us not to measure it by any devotional activities we can cross off our lists - but by a wise man's answer to the same question:
"I ask myself two questions:
= Am I growing more easily discouraged these days?
= Am I growing more easily irritated these days?" (pg. 41)
I love this part of the book, and I've found myself this past week asking myself these same questions - Am I more discouraged? Am I more irritated? And if the answer is yes, how can I reconnect with God, now?
The answer for me hasn't always been another meeting - though an occasional one of those helps. But surprisingly it's been 1) taking a walk in nature and 2) taking the time to play a pick-up soccer game with the family before heading to the grocery store.
I'm realizing that it's the "time in-between" that's important for me now as well. Scheduling four hours of downtime on a weekend. Making time to take walks in nature, and sit on my deck. I think I need to schedule less of everything, even the "good" things.
What do you do when you feel yourself becoming more irritated, or more discouraged?
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Regaining Momentum
Behold, I am doing a new thing!
So how come I am feeling stuck again?
A few weeks ago I went to a big industry conference for the field I'm trying to enter as my next career. It felt so good to take some classes, network a bit, and meet more people. I felt like I was on my way. Things were flowing, and it almost felt easy.
I had a couple of post-conference meetings / interviews set up. And then one of them fell through and I am sitting here thinking, now what?
Do I really even know enough to do this? How can I be a consultant if I am still learning this stuff? Maybe I should study more and pursue this.... next year.
I know that's really just fear talking. But it does speak to a loss of momentum. It's easy to keep positive in a room full of thousands of people with the music blaring. And now, alone with a list of things I haven't done, and not knowing where to start, I'm feeling tired.
I also realized it had been six days since I have really worked on this back-to-work project, between staying home with my sick son, and taking a great long weekend to attend my reunion. I've gotten out of the habit of chipping away at this big goal that can feel overwhelming.
Habits are powerful things. Since we've moved into our new home I just haven't remembered to keep taking my whole vitamin routine (fish oil, vitamin D, multi-vitamins, probiotics - whew!). I don't think that's helped my low energy level. So finally, I tried to get back in the habit - and thankfully my youngest son is helping me. "It's vitamin time mom!"
I think ultimately it is habits that get me through the stuck periods. They are small, deliberate acts toward my bigger goals (of health, of meaningful work, of a deepened walk with God) that I can do even if I don't feel like it.
But habits won't help me with my fear. I realized a new habit I need to cultivate is meeting with other people regularly to gain and give encouragement - a trusted friend, a colleague in the field.
And yet as long as I believe that I can study enough, or create enough good habits, or network or share enough - I will always fall short. Because someday the realization will hit me that indeed I failed myself or others - and I didn't prepare enough. And I know that ultimately I need to bring God into this journey, especially to the things I think I know best.
Regaining Momentum = Habits + Help + Higher Power
God - in those moments when I am filled with anxiety I know it is because I am trying to hold together a world in which I truly have no control. Thank you God for your promise that I am good enough, and that when I rely on you and not myself, I will find the peace I seek.
What new habits do you want to start? What habits have helped you regain momentum?
So how come I am feeling stuck again?
A few weeks ago I went to a big industry conference for the field I'm trying to enter as my next career. It felt so good to take some classes, network a bit, and meet more people. I felt like I was on my way. Things were flowing, and it almost felt easy.
I had a couple of post-conference meetings / interviews set up. And then one of them fell through and I am sitting here thinking, now what?
Do I really even know enough to do this? How can I be a consultant if I am still learning this stuff? Maybe I should study more and pursue this.... next year.
I know that's really just fear talking. But it does speak to a loss of momentum. It's easy to keep positive in a room full of thousands of people with the music blaring. And now, alone with a list of things I haven't done, and not knowing where to start, I'm feeling tired.
I also realized it had been six days since I have really worked on this back-to-work project, between staying home with my sick son, and taking a great long weekend to attend my reunion. I've gotten out of the habit of chipping away at this big goal that can feel overwhelming.
Habits are powerful things. Since we've moved into our new home I just haven't remembered to keep taking my whole vitamin routine (fish oil, vitamin D, multi-vitamins, probiotics - whew!). I don't think that's helped my low energy level. So finally, I tried to get back in the habit - and thankfully my youngest son is helping me. "It's vitamin time mom!"
I think ultimately it is habits that get me through the stuck periods. They are small, deliberate acts toward my bigger goals (of health, of meaningful work, of a deepened walk with God) that I can do even if I don't feel like it.
But habits won't help me with my fear. I realized a new habit I need to cultivate is meeting with other people regularly to gain and give encouragement - a trusted friend, a colleague in the field.
And yet as long as I believe that I can study enough, or create enough good habits, or network or share enough - I will always fall short. Because someday the realization will hit me that indeed I failed myself or others - and I didn't prepare enough. And I know that ultimately I need to bring God into this journey, especially to the things I think I know best.
Regaining Momentum = Habits + Help + Higher Power
God - in those moments when I am filled with anxiety I know it is because I am trying to hold together a world in which I truly have no control. Thank you God for your promise that I am good enough, and that when I rely on you and not myself, I will find the peace I seek.
What new habits do you want to start? What habits have helped you regain momentum?
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Everythings Positive on the Internet
I had a great time at my reunion weekend, for so many reasons. One of them was a "Classes without Quizzes" taught by a professor on the subject of multi-tasking.
He ended up talking a lot about emotional intelligence, and how hard it is to practice and learn ways to express our emotions and interpret the emotions of others - and in turn, how much harder it is for our kids since they can take the easier route of texting or emailing (and hence less practice expressing and reading emotions).
One of the things that he mentioned that really struck me was that so much of what is on the internet - and on Facebook in particular - is positive emotions. Facebook's not the usual place we announce a miscarriage or divorce - who's going to "like" that? This can create a warped view for the rest of us when we think that everyone else lives such more perfect lives than us.
One of my friends Zohary has a blog Raising the Rosses and she has a bible verse that serves as her mission statement in her journey:
"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
I, too, will continue to boast about my weaknesses - for those things that plague me also keep me humble and needing God.
I have a song in my head tonight - "Open the Eyes of My Heart Lord".
He ended up talking a lot about emotional intelligence, and how hard it is to practice and learn ways to express our emotions and interpret the emotions of others - and in turn, how much harder it is for our kids since they can take the easier route of texting or emailing (and hence less practice expressing and reading emotions).
One of the things that he mentioned that really struck me was that so much of what is on the internet - and on Facebook in particular - is positive emotions. Facebook's not the usual place we announce a miscarriage or divorce - who's going to "like" that? This can create a warped view for the rest of us when we think that everyone else lives such more perfect lives than us.
One of my friends Zohary has a blog Raising the Rosses and she has a bible verse that serves as her mission statement in her journey:
"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
I, too, will continue to boast about my weaknesses - for those things that plague me also keep me humble and needing God.
I have a song in my head tonight - "Open the Eyes of My Heart Lord".
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A Clear Channel to God
Lately I've been listening to a Christian radio station - KLUV I think it's called - that I stumbled upon in the car one day. It always calms me down, reminds me to think about the big picture, and that whatever little thing I'm worried about ain't that big in the end of the day.
But more often than not recently, I can't get the KLUV station in my car. I tune up and down around the numbers, but nothing. This shouldn't be too surprising since there are so many hills in our city, but still - NPR is always there loud and strong! Sometimes I can hear it, and sometimes it is true radio silence.
I realized that's what God's voice must be like for us. I think of God as an omnipresent being who is there - but I can't always hear what God is saying - or I guess more accurately, I'm not always listening. The broadcast is out there in the radio waves, but I'm often too distracted to tune in.
We have been struggling a lot the past couple of weeks with the behavior of my older son. He's been having violent tantrums multiple times a day that have been really wearing on me. It's just exhausting to be in constant struggle. But I've been asking for help around this, and today when someone in my small group asked for a prayer request I asked for help with dealing with my son's anger.
And today was so much better.
I have no illusions that we are out of the woods, because any journey worth going on is going to take some sustained effort. But I will celebrate a day that was better than the last.
But more often than not recently, I can't get the KLUV station in my car. I tune up and down around the numbers, but nothing. This shouldn't be too surprising since there are so many hills in our city, but still - NPR is always there loud and strong! Sometimes I can hear it, and sometimes it is true radio silence.
I realized that's what God's voice must be like for us. I think of God as an omnipresent being who is there - but I can't always hear what God is saying - or I guess more accurately, I'm not always listening. The broadcast is out there in the radio waves, but I'm often too distracted to tune in.
We have been struggling a lot the past couple of weeks with the behavior of my older son. He's been having violent tantrums multiple times a day that have been really wearing on me. It's just exhausting to be in constant struggle. But I've been asking for help around this, and today when someone in my small group asked for a prayer request I asked for help with dealing with my son's anger.
And today was so much better.
I have no illusions that we are out of the woods, because any journey worth going on is going to take some sustained effort. But I will celebrate a day that was better than the last.
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