What happens when God shows me death?

I found a dead owl yesterday. A beautiful great horned owl with its wings spread wide.

I hadn't planned to be running around the canyon. Alex got a last-minute drop-in spot at his preschool, and instead of going to the gym as planned I thought I'd just jog around the canyon near our house a bit. The beautiful wild space of nature in the heart of this thriving city.

And so it was, at 10:00 am in the morning, I saw this wild creature splayed out on the grass near the ball field.

 

I was devastated. I knew that this owl was one of the breeding pair that had been creating their nest in the big tree near the path.  Each spring I had watched the fuzzy heads of those baby owls and I would cry with pure joy.  Now there might be no more baby owls. Those of you who have been following along know that I talk about owls a lot in my posts - like On Fear and A Good Fear of the End of Thing.

I don't pretend to speak for God, but in my heart when I am listening, I've felt before that God has showed up in my life in the form of big birds - like when I wrote about The Grumpy Waiting Place.

So what happens when God shows me death?

God, why was I the one to find this bird, this majestic creature of yours that I cherish?

Tonight I am filled with pure grief. Sobbing, shaking grief. I finally went for a walk in the canyon, in the pitch darkness, hoping upon hope to see an owl. But mostly I just cried. In between the sobs that drowned out all other sound, I could hear an owl calling in the distance. Just one. Not the call and response I'd heard before of two owls calling to each other.

What are you trying to tell me God? Why me, now? I can still feel the heavy body of your owl in my arms.

In my deepest unspoken fear I imagine you are preparing me for the impending death of someone I love and I can bearly think the thoughts for fear they may come true. And mostly, I feel that even in death you have a plan. Too many unusual things lined up for me yesterday morning to be coincidence. Even as I trust that you meant for me to find the owl, I can not fathom my role in this sorrow.

Last night, in the company of my small group, I stumbled upon this Bible verse in Ecclesiastes 3, which mentions animals and death. It's right after the passage that I thought belonged only to the Beatles "For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die..."

¹⁸ I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. ¹⁹ Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath^[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. ²⁰ All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. ²¹ Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?” ²² So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

And I continue to grieve.