I love to ski. I feel so alive at the top of a mountain,
with the fresh air, trees, and the adrenaline of swooshing down a slope,
feeling slightly out of control.
In the early days of our marriage, Jeff and I would go with
friends to Lake Tahoe and he would ski. But as his back pain progressively
worsened, he would forgoe skiing to stay back at the cabin. Despite really
hating the cold and the trek, he would go along because he knew I loved it –
though inevitably a long car ride or a slip on the ice would really cause him
pain – pain that I didn’t fully realize until months later.
Living in San Francisco I would hear of “city” families like
ours who had grown up in the hustle and bustle but would spend each weekend up
in Tahoe – skiing in the winter and swimming and enjoying nature in the
summer. Though the finance person in me
wouldn’t really think of buying a second home, the dreamer in me wanted fresh
air and mountains for myself and my husband and my kids.
It was our last trip to the mountains that made me realize
that I secretly harbored this dream, and that in fact, I needed to let it go.
Jeff arrived late and left early with a hastily-borrowed rental car. Three
months later I am only now realizing how much pain he is still in today, from a
slip on that trip while helping the boys go sledding. I feel awful.
Some dreams are more profound than a trip down the slopes. One of the women, Patti, who teaches Sunday school at our church
desperately wanted kids. You can see a glimpse of her journey on this video. Part of her had to let go of a dream in order to step into a full life now.
I will let go of some dreams, to let other abundant joys
fill that place in my heart. I know that we will not be the family taking pictures of
all of us in goggles at the top of the mountain. But our family will take pictures on beaches with snorkel masks and on
top of ancient temples with sunglasses.
And yet there are some dreams I will keep firmly in my wildly
hopeful waiting place. God, I want my hair back. Or for my friends: God, I want
them to find a significant other. Or God, I want them to have the kids they
yearn for in their hearts.
Of what dream do you need to let go? To what dream do you need to
hold fast?
Oh no! Poor Jeff. Does this mean no more ski trips with the Gerbers?
ReplyDeleteWow is that opening a can of worms for me. Mine is pretty personal but I can share with you. It is letting go of that dream I had for our family. When I finally got pregnant with Evan, I had imagined a much different family life with Evan and Cliff. Then Nina came along and the dream seemed to slip away even further. As I go through peri-menopause I realized through therapy that what I was going through a few months ago was grief. I was grieving the loss of my dream for our family. Not sure what the future holds for our family but I continue to pray that whatever it is it is what is best for all of us.
ReplyDeleteIt's so interesting when grief rears its head - and it's often hard to recognize when it's not as obvious as a death in the family. I know what you mean sister!
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