I realized something important about myself on retreat this weekend. I've been getting into this really bad cycle of overcommitting to lots of people, activities and things, and then getting resentful and angry about, well everything. I couldn't really understand why though until I heard a session from Jenny Andrews, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Essentially there is some deep part of me that doesn't feel like I am good enough. The way I've tried to feel "good" is to seek praise and accomplishment from others. Always do my best work. Don't let people down. Follow the rules. Feel guilty about saying no.
And so it was, during an intense moment during the retreat, that I realized I had treated God the same way. I had prayed to God to bring my hair back, but there was a deep part of me that worried I didn't have enough faith to make it come true. I compared myself to others. They have so much faith! Here I am, wobbling about - I don't know if I trust God enough to believe that this prayer will be answered. Am I good enough?
As I sat there clenching my hands, I knew that I had to let go. Faith isn't a grip based on pure will, it is a vulnerability. An acceptance that I am good enough to receive this unconditional love, and even when I'm not good, grace will pour down on me - I just have to unclench my hands.
Geez, Megan. Couple things come to mind as I read this, not sure where to begin, trying not to shout out loud are you kidding? Thinking about all the people who love you and admire you and about the comfort your presence gives me, even though we haven't had occasion to talk all that much in recent years. Seems like the world - be it in the form of God, the universe, the faeries of my ancestral roots - seeks balance... Not right, not wrong, not good, not bad. We all have lessons to learn, perspectives to gain. Maybe the purpose of the whether / when mystery is not about hair growth; perhaps the strength and depth of your faith will be measured instead by how you cope, and how you help others cope with parallel concerns. Here's to having the courage to be vulnerable, you beautiful, bald Mama.
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