A couple of nights ago, I started making what I thought was an apology about something to my husband, he got defensive, and I ended up yelling things at him through the closed bathroom door - that is before I stopped myself, realizing that I would only regret anything I said, and what good could come of that?
After I took a while to calm down, I made another attempt. I told my husband that my intention really had been to apologize, and that it obviously didn't come across that way since he reacted so defensively. So we slowly started the conversation again. And I think that it became one of the most sincere and intense conversations we've had in a really long time.
For me, the story of Jesus is all about second chances (and third, and tenth...). It is God's promise to me that I am neither a "good" person nor a "bad" one, but that I will have moments of each, and I get another chance to be better. Earlier last year, I remember getting in a cycle where I would do something I regretted (like throw Ben into his room on a pile of legos, instead of walking him calmly into timeout) and then feel so crappy that every action I had would reinforce my feeling that I was a bad mom.
Something changed for me this past year. I asked for God's help, and I don't get as stuck in shame as before. I still do things and say things everyday that I regret. Then I often ask my kids and husband for a do-over, and I move on. But I never have to ask God for a second chance. I know that God's promise to me is that he will pick me back up and there is such freedom in that.
There was a boy who started in Ben's class in kindergarten who had just been adopted from Ethiopia. During that first month, he often wore a florescent green cross around his neck. I don't know what they told him about Jesus at the orphanage where he lived after he was given up by his aunts and uncles. But I hope it was the story about how, when everyone else seems to have abandoned us, that God is with us, and loves us no matter what. And that Jesus is the story of a new beginning that is a promise to us all.
I love reading your blog posts. New beginnings always abound. And yea for you for asking for forgiveness. For the Ethiopian boy, for you, for us, we are loved by God, and Jesus is the story of a new beginning, reminding us that hope is around the corner. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI love that I am starting, slowly, to ask for forgiveness without shame. And so many many years later, we are still talking about Jesus and that hope.
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