Before Facebook, there was the Class Book

My 15th college reunion is coming up, and with it the delivery of an enormous, 400-page book of "class pages" that other alums have submitted, with pictures, memories and here's-what-I'm-up-to updates.  Since we just moved into our new place, I haven't gotten my book yet. But I got a response to my page from a dear friend.

She emailed me a heartfelt long note, chronicling some of her joys and sorrows since we last saw each other at our 10th reunion.

The Class Book has been a bit of a joke between my friends and I - my college roommate Keiko even wrote a mini-drama starring the class book and the angst around reunion time. I remember the 5th reunion Class Book read like a overachievers handbook - what jobs people had done, how many countries they had traveled to. And then the 10th reunion was a baby bomb book - with still many overachievers in the mix.

I was actually pretty inspired to read about all the things that my classmates had done in the world. I remember reading my husband's 10th Class Book and thinking - do I wish I were doing that? At the time it felt like a good reality check to see if I should be heading a different direction.

And now, 15 years, and I'm all about keeping it real.

I can't remember quite what I wrote on my Class page, but I know it involved anger, and sorrow, and joy too. And a picture of a bald mama, mention of alopecia, and a link to this blog. The fabulous thing about heading around the bend toward 40 is that being honest and being known is more refreshing than scary.

My faith has helped me so much with that. I still compare myself to others like that Class Book, but it happens less - and more often, I look deep within my heart and where I think God is speaking, and wonder - is this where God wants me to be?

Veneers still exist though - and they are especially hard when we think everyone else is a perfect parent, or in a great marriage, or a perfect job. Today after church one of the volunteer Sunday school teachers gushed on and on about what great, obedient kids I have and how they are a model for others. I probably should have just said "thank you!" but I told him that we struggle so much at home - both with their anger and mine, and that in the end having kids has brought me closer to God as I've needed God more than ever.

What would you write to your former college or high school classmates today?

To Wig, or not To Wig?

Thanks to the awesome and generous child-wrangling of my mother-in-law, and the house-knoming of my friend Megan, I've been enjoying going to a big conference all week and kick-starting my new back-to-work phase.

Before I went to the conference I debated long and hard over whether or not I would wear a wig.

I haven't been wearing one all summer, and it felt strange to put one back on again. But I had told myself that I'd wear one for my job search. Now I wasn't so sure. I wanted to be the "real" me - I didn't want potential employers to hire me (or not) because they thought I had hair - better let them see how it really is.

Plus there would be 50,000 people at the conference. I thought it wouldn't be so bad to be anonymous! People would remember me for sure.

I think part of my hestitation was that if I wore my wig now, I would have to wear it everytime I saw this group of people again. That's like saying if you order chocolate milk today for lunch, you have to order it everyday for the rest of your life! I was feeling penned in by just the thought of feeling that restricted - like I was hiding something that would then need to be covered up.

My friend Megan had a couple of peices of great advice as we were talking it over.

1) What I decide now can definitely be changed - I can always decide to not wear the wig, and tell people then I have alopecia. I get to decide.
2) Figure out if I am doing something for them, or if I'm doing it for myself.

For example - if I'm wearing a wig to make other people less uncomfortable - then don't wear it. But if I'm wearing a wig to make myself  feel more comfortable, then go for it.

I love friends that have known me 15 years and have such words of wisdom. They are such a treasure!

I wore a wig to the conference. It felt okay. It was still strange to catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror, but I feel that way when I see my bald head too. And I wore my new orange jacket so I wouldn't be anonymous.

Weeds in the Garden

Today we took my mom's dog Ellie back to their house. The boys wandered out back to dig with "real construction" shovels in the garden dirt pile. And all of a sudden, I was amazed at how many weeds (and how high!) had appeared in all the cracks in the cement. When they moved into this home, I took it as my personal project to weed the edges and sidewalks that had been neglected. I worked for two days straight and was proud of how much nicer it looked after my effort.

It shouldn't have been a surprise that nine months later, the weeds were running wild all over the patio. Amazingly I hadn't even noticed them growing all this time. And now, here they were, reminding me - we're back! (And back with a vengeance...)

There are some things in my life that are like those weeds. For some of us, it may be addiction, or falling into some bad relationship patterns. I know I have many weeds in my life, but tonight I am thinking about my anger and my aggressiveness that sometimes feels beyond my control.

I was so proud of myself - I went for three nights straight being calm while my boys collapsed into screaming, writhing, hitting each other and me puddles on the floor. And then the fourth night, I am in a crazy long drive-through line at In & Out Burger, Alex has been screaming about no ketchup and then proceeds to throw projectiles my way, one of which (a washcloth) hits me in the face. I turn around and try to whip him back with the washcloth ("you missed, mom!") screaming all the while "Don't you ever throw things at me in the car again!".

The shame was only mitigated somewhat by the consolation that my washcloth didn't actually hit its mark.

Sometimes I think that if I work on something, like my anger - that it will magically go away, and I don't have to deal with it anymore. And then it will rear its ugly head like those weeds and remind me that there are some things in my life that need constant tending.

A big clean-out always helps, but anything worth doing is a practice - day by day, little by little, so that those weeds don't get too big and gnarly.

Faith is like that too. God showered me with abundance these past few months. Now that the thrill is starting to wear off the practice comes into play. We just closed on our condo yesterday, and the agent said "You both must be so thrilled!" - funny thing was, I didn't feel much. Just great, check that one off the box.  Talking to and hearing from God can never be sustained by the big steps (though they help) but all the little moments in between.

What are the weeds in your life that are plaguing you? How do you tend them to keep them from getting gnarly?

Talking about God

The whirlwind of the past few weeks has brought me face to face with the amazing things God can do, particularly when I'm specific with my dreaming and scheming and praying. I still can't believe we have a house in the city in the woods. I was praying for a house with "more connection to the outdoors". I got it ten-fold.

The harder part is telling my friends about God's role in this whole business - without completely turning them off.

"It was divine intervention" I'll say. And they can't believe that we happened upon a house when we weren't even really looking yet - on this street, where no one's sold their house for ten years.

Or, if I'm feeling bold "God was definitely at work here to line everything up for us!"

Often friends will change the subject when they hear the G-word. Or they'll move quickly onto the details of when and how we moved.

I'm realizing that 1) it's still hard for me to talk about God (though it's getting easier and 2) often people are most open to talking about faith issues when they bring it up.

Though I have to realize as well, that if I am speaking my truth, however briefly, that it may be planting a seed in someone else's heart - that they may explore with me later, or with someone else.

How do you talk about your faith or agnosticism with your friends? How do you deal with your own discomfort?

Measuring Progress

My mom has a saying that she repeats often: "Progress, not perfection." This is a great mantra for us, especially as we're a family of perfectionists.

Only I can't always see the progress. We have lived in our new house three weeks, and there is dust and boxes everywhere. Even when I try to clean out a tiny corner, something else happens and that corner is filled again. I know this will take time, but it feels like I am treading water!

I had a great conversation with Mike, our family's beloved bike shop manager and all around good guy (he's at Valencia Cyclery in the kids section if you're local). He said that he moved into a new house a couple of years ago and felt the same way, and he started taking pictures. That way, if he felt sad about making no progress, he could just pull out the pictures and remind himself of how far he'd come.

Last week my acupuncturist said she thought she was seeing fewer bald areas on the top of my head. I'm not really sure to be honest - it looks about the same to me, though I am seeing lots of little gray hairs coming in where before I had smooth baldness. I thought about taking pictures of my head to get a more definitive answer on whether it is regrowing or not. But somehow I haven't made that leap. I guess I'm feeling so much growth in the other parts of my life that I don't want to focus on a 1/4 inch of hair. At least not yet.

How do you measure progress in your life? What keeps you motivated when things feel like they are standing still?